The longer we are in relationships the harder it is to feel secure in how our significant other sees us.
But why? I mean they fell in love with us right? What is this crazy thing that happens in our brains that makes us believe they all of a sudden feel different?
I call it the curse of the C words.
You know the ones I’m talking about – comfortable, consistent, careful, content.
You simply can’t escape them. The longer you are with someone the more comfortable you become, the more consistent and predictable your schedule is, the more careful you are with what you say, the plans you make, the actions you take, you lose that sense of risk and adventure with each other, and then finally, you become content. You stop trying and settle. You rely on that love you once had just sticking around forever.
It wont.
Now, the good news is that these C words don’t need to be scary. Because this is something you can work at with some awareness and conscious action.
You see, most of these thoughts we generate, come from within ourselves. Maybe we have lost the inner self love. Maybe over the years we have forgotten to take care of ourselves and nourish ourselves inside and out so that all the validation doesn’t need to be external. Either way, we project these negative feelings outwards because that’s what humans do!
The trick is to become aware. Building a conscious relationship within yourself and then with others helps you learn how to recognise behaviours that are detrimental and change them before they spiral or become habit.
So how then?
Firstly, know when you're letting these feelings come into play in your head, and secondly, learn how to reframe them. Basically, change the perception of them and what they mean to you.
Reframing is the process of changing the way you view a situation. You cannot change the result, but you can change what the result means to you. So, when you’re feeling too comfortable, don’t think of it in the sense of “oh, we mustn’t be attracted to each other anymore because we’d rather watch movies then have sex” instead, think, “oh, wow isn’t it nice that we are so comfortable with each other that the idea of snuggling on the couch watching a movie is actually a really nice way to spend time together after a long day”. See the difference? Negative to a positive.
Here’s another more personal example.
Every now and then I find myself falling into bad habits when it comes to the way I view myself within my relationship. I slip into patterns of “maybe he doesn’t get excited by me anymore,” “what’s the point of trying to be sexy, he knows what I look like naked, he won’t even care,” “no wonder other girls seem so attractive to him, they are new and exciting,”.
Pretty shitty way to make myself feel right?
I'm comparing myself to others and to my former self! The self he met and fell madly in love with. So it is me who is failing to validate my own feelings and emotions and in doing so, I project them onto my partner. These thoughts aren’t his, they are mine and I am making them his in my narrative.
How do we get over it? We reframe!
Same as when it comes to the next C. Our consistency in life means I can rely on him. He can rely on me. You get the picture?
It all comes down to the awareness you have in your relationship, how strong your communication is (very important!) and how willing you are to let go of the ego and inner voice that’s there to pull you down.
Book in your Couples Counselling Session HERE to learn the tips and tricks of how to reframe.