The longer we are in relationships the harder it is to feel secure in how our significant other sees us.
But why? I mean they fell in love with us right? What is this crazy thing that happens in our brains that makes us believe they all of a sudden feel different?
I call it the curse of the C words.
You know the ones I’m talking about – comfortable, consistent, careful, content.
You simply can’t escape them. The longer you are with someone the more comfortable you become, the more consistent and predictable your schedule is, the more careful you are with what you say, the plans you make, the actions you take, you lose that sense of risk and adventure with each other, and then finally, you become content. You stop trying and settle. You rely on that love you once had just sticking around forever.
It wont lovers…. Like I said in my last post, you don’t work on the relationship, it fails.
Now, the good news is that these C words don’t need to be scary. Because this shit is fixable with some awareness and conscious action.
You see, most of these thoughts we generate, come from within ourselves. Maybe we have lost the inner self love. Maybe over the years we have forgotten to take care of ourselves and nourish ourselves inside and out so that all the validation doesn’t need to be external. Either way, we project these negative feelings outwards because that’s what humans do!
The trick is to become aware. Building a conscious relationship within yourself and with others helps you learn how to recognise behaviours that are detrimental and change them. And Im talking about the behaviours that allow us to give in to the dreaded C words and see them as bad things.
So how then?
Firstly, know when you're letting these feelings come into play in your head, and secondly, learn how to reframe them. Basically, change the perception of them and what they mean to you.
Reframing is the process of changing the way you view a situation. You cannot change the result, but you can change what the result means. So, when you’re feeling too comfortable, don’t think of it in the sense of “oh, we mustn’t be attracted to each other anymore because we’d rather watch movies then have sex” instead, think, “oh, wow isn’t it nice that we are that comfortable with each other that the idea of snuggling on the couch watching a movie is actually a really nice way to spend time together after a long day”. See the difference? Negative to a positive.
Here’s another more personal example.
Pretty shitty way to make myself feel right?
I'm comparing myself to others and to my former self! The self he met and fell madly in love with. I fail to see that I am STILL that person and he still sees me that way! I mean, I don’t see him as boring and unattractive, I still love when he puts on a sexy show, or when he pushes me against the wall to steal a kiss. That man gets my heart pumping and my blood boiling. So why wouldn’t he still feel the same way about me?
Secondly, who cares! I shouldn’t need that validation. I should be rocking that sexiness anyway and staying confident and secure in my own self.
How do I get over it? I reframe!
I remind myself that this incredible comfort we feel means I can walk around naked on a normal day and have neither of us think twice about it. But, that comfort also means I can dress up in hooker heels, get him hard as a rock and indulge in a crazy night without feeling nervous or self-conscious.
Our consistency in life means I can rely on him. He can rely on me. You get the picture?
It all comes down to the awareness you have in your relationship, how strong your communication it (very important!!! Talk about this shit!) and how willing you are to let go of the ego and inner voice that’s there to pull you down and own your shit instead!
Below is a little something I wrote about a year back during the cyclonic period of change that got me to where I am today. It was when my mind went into a turmoil every time these crazy feelings would sneak in. I wanted to share it because I'm sure the depth of those feelings will resonate with a few...
There are times I feel on top of the world, on top of my game, complete in myself.
And then just as quickly as I feel these things, I fall to my knees again, weakened by my inner demons.
You see, there is something about beauty that draws me in, and yet something else about it that scares me.
So when you tell me I’m beautiful, I am reluctant to believe you.
But when you tell me another is beautiful, I will believe that you mean it 100%.
If you compare my eyes to another’s, it sounds like you would choose to stare deep into hers.
If you compare my hair to another’s, it sounds like you want to run your fingers through hers.
If you are “stunned” by another’s beauty, it makes me wonder if I ever stun you too. I possess the same features you find so beautiful, but do you still see them in me? Or are you immune to me?
Women are beautiful creatures, I know this. They are sensual, they are unique, they are lovely.
I want to be able to appreciate another's beauty with you.
I want to feel secure about you taking in the beauty of others, but sometimes it feels more like you're searching for the long lost things you used to see in me.