Updated: Aug 28, 2018
So how did this whole journey begin?
Well, here's my take.
My husband tagged me in a post on Facebook. It was a long post by a chick I didn’t know.
But her words stabbed me so hard in the chest that I had to sit up and take notice. They cut through me to the core and triggered something deep in my soul – because they were true. It was as if she had written this post just for me.
I was in a slump. I had 2 kids under 2 and my relationship with my husband was kind of stagnant. Our sex life (um what sex life?) was shit and we were not able to connect on so many levels at that stage. And this scared the shit out of me. Because we had always been the couple people looked to for inspiration. We were the couple I always wanted to be. But we weren't that couple anymore.
And as far as I was concerned, it was all on me. Because I lost myself somewhere along the way and didn't know how to get me back.
After having kids I felt unworthy. I felt fat, ugly, insecure, jealous, boring, lethargic, tired, basically I felt like shit! I gave all of myself to our kids and there was nothing left for me or for my husband. I was completely lost and stuck and delving deeper and deeper into the abyss.
I had no idea how to bring the conscious woman out from within. And my husband is a conscious man. He is the most self aware, intense person I’ve ever known.
And he needed me to be his equal again.
So he tagged me in this Facebook post and in doing so kick-started this fire in me that made me want to change.
Fast forward to today, I still read EVERY single post this “chick” writes. Her name is Hayley Michelle Andrews and without even knowing it she helped transform my life.
My husband and I have turned our sex life into something movies are made of and we’ve opened up our marriage in many ways so that we can form connections sexually and intimately with others too – all in the name of enriching our own relationship and finding ourselves.
I'm becoming this conscious queen. I'm getting better at loving myself every single day. I can look myself in the eyes and know I’m worthy, beautiful, supported, strong and loved. I I can express myself openly and feel safe doing so. I can explore the beauty of sex with my husband and enrich our relationship. Because we made the choice to take this journey together and help each other through it.
It wasn't about fucking other people. It was NEVER about that. It was about finding something we could use to reignite our passion for each other. It was about communicating on a whole new level and then transferring that skill into every other aspect of our lives. It was about letting go of fear and inhibitions and fully seeing each other, holding space for each other. It was about finding each other on the deepest most intimate level we possibly could. And what is more intimate then sex?
So, my king, here's to the journey of becoming your queen. Here is to the crazy life we live and the deepest love I've ever known. Here is to the up's, the down's and everything in between. Here is to everything we have learnt about ourselves and to now helping others on their own journey.
A free man is one of the most terrifying things for a woman.
Because once a man becomes free,
he cannot be trained, he cannot be moulded, he cannot be controlled,
he cannot manipulated into who we want him to be.
You complain that your man isn’t strong enough, doesn’t fuck you hard enough, well enough or frequently enough. He isn’t strong or passionate or exciting or masculine enough. You say you want a King whose established and mature.
But what you aren’t getting, is the very thing that would make this man all of that and more, is also the very thing that when it truly shows up, will threaten to completely destroy all your Disney princess fantasies and christian conditioned matrimonies that are keeping it alive.
And that shit is terrifying.
A man who isn’t dependent on mummy's love, so starving for her nourishment and so scared of it’s withdrawal that he will do anything to keep it on tap. A man who doesn't tentatively puts all his desires and needs aside for yours, the strings of your purse tightening around his balls with every ‘yes dear’.
A free mans integrity is more important to him than his need for your approval. He loves you, but loves himself more. A free man says no when he means no and yes when he means yes. And he’s 100 percent committed to living his truth and his path whether you choose to walk with him or not.
That kind of man is terrifying because it puts us women in a certain kind of position.
Where our tried and tested hooks no longer work.
No longer can we control with our feminine emotional sexual super powers and tricks that have worked on every other man since we became daddy's girl.
Those parts that know precisely all his weak spots and how to trigger, seduce, overwhelm, entice and frustrate him to get exactly what you want and keep him there.
When a man becomes free, no longer can we use him for our own sense of security, safety and holding.
And suddenly those things become our own responsibility. We are pushed into having our own discernment, to walking our own path and finding our own truth and fullness.
You want him to embrace and love your wildness don’t you?
But what about his?
Not being in control of men is a terrifying fucking thing for a woman. With memories of burnings and witch hunts in our blood. Abuse, torture, control and rape in the collective memories of being a woman.
But don’t be fooled into believing we are the weaker sex by any means.
Over the years many of us have learnt a far more covert style to have the upper hand.
You think patriarchy is a dangerous force of control and oppression?
So is a woman who wants a ring on it.
We’ve turned around the very thing that was created to own us – and used it to own them.
Who could say exactly.
But the fact is all of us are suffering for it.
Because man or woman – none of us are here to be owned. To be put on a leash and given treats when we do good, punished when we do bad.
This isn’t about polyamory or monogamy or what is a right way of being together. But this is about examining what love really is and questioning whether the bargains and contracts and subtle power agreements are really that.
Its a difficult dichotomy to get a handle of I know.
Because there is a part in all of us that really does enjoy being given everything we want.
the princess the brat the little girl
She doesn’t want to hear no. EVER
She wants it all her way ALL THE TIME.
But there is a big sacrifice to pay if you let her run the show, and that is the emasculation of your man and the death of your woman.
A real man does not get hard for little girls, just as we do not get wet for little boys.
Yet somehow we continually turn each other into just that and then wonder about why the spark has gone.
And the most terrifying thing about a free man is also the most beautiful.
Because to receive the love of a free man is the most nourishing awe inspiring, powerful, special thing you will ever receive
Because when he is with you, you know its because he really fucking wants to be there.
When he chooses you, you know its because from every part of his being that this is his truth.
Not because you worked on him to do so.
Not because of conditioning or fear or signed rules of engagement.
Because you surrendered to allowing him to be exactly as he is and the true love that has the potential to flower from there is magnificent.
Because you can truly meet and receive who he really is, rather than a watered down compromised version of him that came forth because you pouted your lip in just the right way that he caved.
Because secretly the man you really want,
the perfect guy that you so totally 'deserve',
is the one who won’t always make you happy. He is going to challenge you, scare you, and he’s not always going to please you. And fuck you’d hope he wouldn’t
Because your happiness is not his job,