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So, what are we then?

Updated: Aug 28, 2018

Are we in an open relationship? No, this isn’t a fucking free for all.


Are we polyamorous? No, not really the kind of love we like to share.


Are we swingers? Well we don’t like to bed every couple we meet.


Are we monogamous? Yes, always in the traditional sense of the word. We don’t play up or abuse each other’s trust.


So, what are we then?


Most people that know Pablo and I well, know that our relationship is a little different to most. But they probably don’t know exactly why. People make guesses and have their own theories I’m sure, but we thought it was about time to clear it all up and shed some light on relationship types that exist outside of the society standard one.


We are taught that being in a monogamous relationship, one where the only sexual partner you have is your significant other, is the only way.


But there are other ways if you are open to exploring them.


You see, historically speaking, human beings were not monogamous (cue shock horror right here!) According to Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá, the authors of an incredible book and a very interesting read, "Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality,” from a biological perspective, men and women simply aren't meant to be in lifelong monogamous unions.


Using evidence gathered from human physiology, archaeology, primate biology and anthropological studies of pre-agricultural tribes from around the world, they argue that monogamy is a far more recent invention and less natural then we are led to believe.


And it kind of makes sense doesn’t it……


You see, in the book, the authors attribute the introduction of monogamy to agriculture. Say what now? Well, basically, members of various tribes decided they needed someone to tend their fields, and they wanted to then leave their accumulated property to their own biological child. So, the idea of adopting just one sexual partner came about. There was also the issue of infertility. When groups started practicing monogamy, they produced more offspring and thrived, it was also a lot easier to determine which child was biologically your own.


But those factors don’t really relate to todays way of living now do they?


And, if we look at divorce rates, and the fact that a fucking crazy 1 in 3 marriages end up this way, maybe we can start to examine why adopting different practices could be a good idea. Especially when lack of intimacy and poor communication are two of the biggest reasons marriages end, or one or both parties cheat – and it’s no surprise the two go hand in hand.


Before we continue, let me point out that I consider marriage to be WAY more then sex. But it seems many people have a very strong notion that a marriage must remain monogamous at all costs — and that any infidelity is grounds for divorce. However, relationships are so much more complex then that.


There is also the issue of emotional difference between men and women that creates a barrier in sexual exploration within today’s society.


Granted, the last five or so thousand years of slut shaming and being burnt at the stake after the whole monogamy thing came into play probably hasn’t done much for our self-esteem and desire to explore our sexual sides, but as women, we do tend to embed our sexual experiences with emotional intimacy. We often struggle to separate our feelings when it comes to sex, love, promiscuity and monogamy.


Men on the other hand are way less emotional then us, so are pretty good at distinguishing love from sex. That’s why a high percentage of gay men typically enjoy open relationships.

For me, I believe marriage is deeper than just sex. It is a union between two people in love. It is a foundation for living, growing and evolving together and for building a family.


I also believe that sex and love are not mutually exclusive. When I “make love” with my husband, this is a sacred, very special act and one that can only occur with someone I am in love with. But we don’t always make love. Not every sexual experience is about love. Sex for me is more about connection and pleasure.


But the western view of relationships and sexuality has over time been swept up in the love bubble that is Hollywood romance. The love story and happily ever after. But as we all know, the ‘honeymoon’ does end and what comes after that? What sustains the primal side of ourselves for the next 50 years? Passion and excitement doesn’t just last because you are in love. It, like everything in your relationship requires evolution and change. It requires work!


Now, I’m not telling you all to uproot everything you’ve ever known to be normal within your relationships, although, I do encourage you to stop and think about your current relationship or state of sexuality and the things that you struggle with.


I want to inspire more tolerance and more open discussion between men and women about sexuality, desires, instincts and long-term growth.


I hope people will come to see that marriage isn’t about sex, it is deeper then that, and that sex isn’t tied to love alone. That you can enjoy and explore sexually even after marriage and on your own terms. At just 30 years of age, 12 years of being in love with and in a relationship with the same man is proof of this….


So, to answer the question, what are we then?


Well I suppose you can say we are experiential.


We are also a couple who want to ensure our marriage continues to grow and flourish.


We are a couple that knows the importance of intimacy and communication and that sex is an incredible tool in boosting intimate relationships.


We are a couple who enjoy sex and exploring our sexuality together.


We are a couple that finds pleasure in many things.


We are a couple that don’t limit ourselves or suppress each other’s wants, needs and desires.

We are a couple that respects each other’s growth and exploration.


We are a couple that can communicate openly, honestly and effectively about anything from finances to fetishes.


We are a couple that trusts each other.


We are also a couple that enjoys creating connections on a physical level with other people…

So, let me ask you now……what are you?