Updated: Aug 28, 2018
In a world of contradicting beliefs about sex, love and intimacy where porn and tantra tend to dance in a circle around our heads and people start thinking too much about what is right and what is wrong, it’s no wonder we are all so god dam confused.
So let me break it down for you, real simple like. There is no right or wrong. Sex isn’t black or white. It’s 50 shades of the fucking rainbow and it’s whatever the hell you want it to be.
And I truly believe that when you step out of your own head, stop thinking so much about energy and eye gazing and masculine and feminine and just do what your loins are telling you to do, you will find your vibe… naturally.
Because a sexually empowered woman isn’t necessarily someone who spends all her time learning the ins and outs of tantric sex or self-pleasure. She isn’t someone who knows every single position in the karma sutra, or the woman who has had 10 thousand sexual partners.
A sexually empowered woman is someone who knows what she wants and how to get it. She is a confident pleasure seeker and she has learnt how to trust herself and let go.
Ah, sounds nice right?
So let’s move on to a specific scenario where we can practice being a sexually empowered goddess and talk about women on top – can I get a hell yeah!
I read a Facebook post the other day asking for advice on how to be more ‘dominant’ in the bedroom and how to enjoy being ‘on top’. But before I answer this, I want to break it down a little further because there are really 3 things here.
Just because you are on top, doesn’t mean you are the one ‘dominating’. Anyone can take charge from any position. Even a woman in doggy is potentially the one ‘dominating’ the sexual experience through the way she moves, bends, talks, instructs, expresses herself. Either person can be taking charge from any position.
Let’s fuck the words dominant and submissive off for a second and bring it back to basics; raw, primal human emotion and instinct. Because to me, when we start adding words in that define something quite specific, we can get our heads and our hearts a little confused. For example, if my husband and I play in the bedroom and he wants to be ‘dominant’ this becomes a role play for us. We go all out, whips, handcuffs, blindfolds, safe words, I become his ‘submissive’ and we are both playing a part. It’s not our normal sexual experience, it’s like a game. Each of you are stepping into a character of sorts and living out a fantasy scenario. I will be doing a more in depth post about this soon...
Being on top ROCKS! No matter who is taking charge. But, as a woman, to fully embrace this from a ‘dominating’ perspective, you need to learn how to embrace yourself and your sexuality fully. You need to be able to communicate using your words, eyes, body language and basically ‘dance’ with your partner, move your body, your hips, push and pull in ways that bring you pleasure. Get a little selfish!
Historically women were repressed in the bedroom. Even today, many cultures still dictate that the man is the one in charge sexually and the woman is there to willingly please her man. She is traditionally ‘submissive’ in that she goes with what he wants and when he wants it (which I say a big FUCK OFF to). But, yeah, this explains why there are definitely some reservations when it comes to a woman taking the lead. My first piece of advice is to let those reservations go!
Envision yourself as a sexual goddess because guess what? You ARE! Even if you don’t feel it at first, push through the discomfort because outside of our comfort zone is where awesome shit happens!
And, side note, one of the biggest turn-on’s for a man is confidence. So keep that in mind. Step into that bedroom knowing that you are beautiful, amazing, incredible, sexual and completely and utterly ABLE to be in control and take charge of your fantasy.
However, I know from experience that can sometimes be a scary thing to do. So I’ve decided to break down a little something you can try at home to get the ball rolling.
You will no doubt be feeling a little nervous, so try to get yourself turned on and in the mood first. Turn on some music that makes you feel sexy, put on some lingerie that empowers you and set the scene.
Walk up to your man and kiss him hard and deep. Push him gently onto the bed/couch/floor and crawl over him. Kiss him again. If he tries to sit up, look at him and give him a sultry smile. Ladies, your eyes are like weapons. Use them. Catch your partner’s eye and let him know you’ve got this.
Now stand up over him, turn to face the other way and dance! Move your hips, shake your ass, tease your man! We have all heard of Shiva Shakti dance, now is time to use it. Use your movement to connect in with yourself, feel embodied, brave, sexy AF and at the same time you will get him hot and heavy. When you are in control you are doing this for you so touch yourself. Bend over right in front of his face and show him what he is about to get … Be a fucking queen!
Step down to his feet and turn back around to face him. Look him square in the eyes and take him in your mouth, tease him some more. I don’t care what anyone says, giving a man head (or a woman for that matter) is a deeply empowering sensation if you love that man. You hold the power of his manhood literally in your hands, worshipping the cock does not make you weak, it gives you complete control. (There will be a video on this coming soon too.)
Once you feel he is starting to get a little too excited (and trust me, by this stage he will be!) move slowly up his body, kissing and nipping gently until you reach his lips. Linger here a second too long before you grab his cock and slide him inside you. According to my husband, this is one of the sexiest things I can do and it always indicates to him that I’m in charge.
Your man will be in a total state of pleasure by now. His head (and his other head) will both be turned on. So use this to your advantage and play around with what feels great for you!
When a woman is on top, it’s like a dance. You determine the speed, the rhythm, the depth, the angle, the push and pull. Play with it! Make figure-8 patterns, grind on him, move up and down, back and forth, side to side. It is NOT like they show it in the pornos. You don’t ‘bounce on the dick’. That won’t get you off and it will probably only get him off after quite a while too. Hip thrusting movements work WAAAYYYYY better and that way you can stimulate both your clit and vulva too.
I'm going to assume many of you are experimenting with self-pleasure, wands, dildos, etc so you are starting to get an idea of what spots you need to hit, massage, pulse on to get off? No different with a cock and honestly, in this position, it’s EASIER for you to move yourself in ways that hit those special spots, you just need to feel the confidence to experiment a little.
Cock size is also going to play a little part in what works best for you with this experimentation. And maybe, this is why some women haven’t been able to orgasm in this position yet.
If your man has a large penis, certain angles might feel a little too deep or a little awkward at first, if so, lean forward a little, almost as though you are moving into a missionary position where you are on top. Take is slower at the start too because the wetter you are and the more excited you become, the better it will feel. Hit thrusting, rocking and slow deep movements will hit the right angles and in this position you can feel your clit rubbing on his skin too.
On the flip side, if your man has a smaller penis, leaning back will hit those sweet spots nicely. Then you can thrust upwards against his shaft too. Up the ‘dom’ factor by asking them to play with your clit, or better still, give them a show and do it yourself!
One of my favourite variations is to have your man sit up, wrap your legs around him, hold on to his shoulders or wrap your arms around him and grind that way. Your clit gets a really nice rubbing in this position ;) This is also a very sensual position.
Reverse cowgirl is another awesome way to take charge. You can sit in the same way you would facing forward or like you’re squatting. It’s one hell of a sexy view! Get your twerk on ladies and make him go wild! You can play with yourself in this position too in a more discreet manner if you don’t feel comfortable showing his this side of you but…. I urge you to fully let go and don’t feel limited by fear. Sex is a million times better when we think with our pussy and not our head.
A few tips to help you stay in control and achieve that ‘dominant’ edge would be to talk to your man. Whisper naughty things in his ear, tell him what to do and what you want or like, grab his throat firmly (but not too firm you choke him!), touch yourself, look into his eyes and don’t let him look away, show him you are enjoying yourself by being vocal!
Most importantly remember that sex should always be a give and take, irrelevant of who is in charge so work together to move in ways you both enjoy, communicate, express yourself and your desires, guide him and experience it all together.
Alrighty ladies, I CANT WAIT to hear how you all go when you give this a try tonight!!!
And, if you want to see what this might look and feel like, you are in for a juicy treat because we are creating a video for you that DEMONSTRATES this. Sign up to our newsletter to get access to the video when it is finished.
Your questions answered:
Q: How do I stop myself from getting cramps?
A: Try moving around in different positions while you are on top. If you are sitting on him with your shins on the bed, put one foot up in a half squat, or 2 feet for a full squat, then move back again after a few minutes. It is no different to exercising, once your muscles fatigue, you will need to give them a break. And chances are if you are grinding in that position for a while, they will inevitably cramp or ache. Slowing down, moving to a chair, or even moving into a missionary position for a few minutes and then back to you on top will also help. The key is to communicate and remember that you can still be taking charge in ANY position so don’t feel like switching mid-way will take that edge off you.
Q: Does using a blindfold help me be more dominant.
A: Well I think if you are role playing then definitely yes, it can be used as a fun or kinky tool. But if you are wanting to embrace your dominance and take charge of the sexual encounter in your everyday sex life then I would say no. You should be thinking more about embracing and empowering yourself. Covering his eyes doesn’t really achieve this, it is still a form of hiding from him seeing this more dominant you. Men are also very visual so you will achieve better results as far as teasing the fuck out of him if he can see everything. You are better off playing with yourself, using eye contact, holding him down, and making him watch you. That has a better effect in my experience.