Updated: Aug 28, 2018
It is no secret that men and women are influenced by different things. More often than not, they see the same situation in completely opposite ways. So, it makes sense that sex is no exception.
Women for example, often feel conflicted when it comes to their sexual being. They struggle with this image of the perfect, pure lady vs the sexual deviant. Slut shaming, and judgement has made it pretty darn difficult for women to feel safe in fully expressing themselves sexually. And this fear makes it tough for women to define themselves on a sexual level and determine what they really want.
Men on the other hand aren’t typically ‘emotional’ beings, meaning they aren’t driven by their emotional side. What this means it that they end up suppressing their sexual feelings and attempt to match the level of desire of their female partner. Men are the hustlers – they take what they can when they can whereas the women dictate how often and how sex actually occurs. BUT, this isn’t a good thing. Constant rejection leaves men feeling hurt, so they retreat. They stop trying to initiate physical contact, which in turn makes women feel unsupported and unloved. But a man won’t open-up completely again until they feel 100% sure that their partner will be reciprocal.
Vicious cycle right!
The problem is however that we are too scared to talk about sex! So instead, we suppress our desires, we don’t speak up and we end up resenting ourselves and our partner for not simply guessing what we want.
Until we get to the point where we break down the communication barriers, we will continue to struggle to really connect with each other – and the longer we are with someone, the harder this gets!
We need to learn to discuss our desires to keep our sexual relationships growing and flourishing. Like a plant, you need water and sunlight and tender care for it to survive. You neglect it and it dies. Intimate relationships are no different.
This is where fantasies come into play. Not because fantasies are super important things to have, they’re not. But they are a great tool for starting a transparent, open and honest conversation in the bedroom. And open conversations in the bedroom equals stronger communication out the bedroom too!
So how do you start the conversation then?
Well, ladies, it is probably going to come down to you initially. I know it sounds scary, but like I said before, due to the way men and women typically express themselves, a man will find this a no-go zone until he feels his partner is genuine in her want to discuss it. Try to remember too that in a long-term relationship scenario, this will feel scary! You will probably feel like a naughty school kid trying to broach a subject you feel will get you in trouble. This is because we hide parts of ourselves away that we think our partner won’t approve of for so long that bringing those parts to the surface feels risky. But, chances are they are doing the same thing. Give each other the chance to break those walls down and be transparent.
My suggestion is to get cheeky with it and have some fun! Pour a few glasses of wine, wait until the kids are asleep, plan a date night – whatever gets you relaxed and puts you in front of each other in a setting with minimal to no distractions. You want to use this exercise as a chance to connect on a deeper level, but with a cheeky, sexy, playful subject.
A good way to get things flowing is to start with a subtle comment. Say you are out to dinner and a cute waitress serves you. Maybe one of your fantasies is to have another woman join you both in the bedroom. So you might make a cheeky comment to your partner about the waitress. Chances are they will think it’s a trap and not respond… wait a while and bring it up again, a little less subtle this time. Alarm bells will be going off in his head but he’s probably curious at this point. On the third comment, lose the subtlety and say something like, “You know I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a threesome with another woman, have you ever done that? *wait for answer* have you ever wanted to?”
So now we have started the conversation. Adrenaline is pumping all round, everyone is feeling awkward but excited and hopefully, with some smart direction, you can keep it going.
Some words of wisdom: Be sure you remember to really listen and let things flow naturally. Be honest and open with your partner in what you are saying and understand and acknowledge what your partner is saying to you - put yourself in each other’s shoes. Speak from an open place and with an open heart and mind. Also remember to stay away from words like always or never, don’t blame or shame, point fingers, allow jealous feelings to come up or turn into a full blown crazy person….
Ladies, this is a big tip for you especially - don’t assume or criticize based on the story you’ve created in your own head.
As women we tend to overthink things and create the entire conversation in our heads without having a clue what our partner is REALLY thinking. We assume a lot because we are emotionally driven. But in anticipating the conversation before it plays out, we are putting walls up and getting on the defensive when realistically, we don’t know how it will go until we have it. Allow your partner to surprise you.
Oh, and, if you start talking about fantasies, be prepared to actually hear your partners fantasy! And don’t judge them for it!
If you bring up the threesome fantasy and he agrees with you, get excited by that, don’t translate it in your own head as…. “I’m not satisfied with our sex life, so I need to bring someone else better in,” because what he is really thinking is most likely that he genuinely wants to experience something exciting and new, with YOU and is stoked you feel the same way. Remember you are a partnership and the excitement comes from experiencing these fantasies TOGETHER.
And whether you take it the next step further and act the fantasies out at some point or not, use them, use the transparency and honesty to reignite the passion in the bedroom. And, use the same pattern of discussion (open, honest, non-judgemental, conscious, loving) in the rest of your relationship too!
The ability to be open and receptive spreads beyond the bedroom and authenticity = creative sexuality!